Answers to Life's Great Questions

WHAT: Why do Men Have Nipples by Mark Leyner and Billy Goldberg, M.D. WHERE: Bookstores HOW MUCH: $12.95

Man has always grappled with life’s mysteries: What is our purpose on this earth? Will we all one day answer to a higher power? Are we alone in this universe?

Authors Mark Leyner and Billy Goldberg have heard mankind’s plaintive cries and have answered with a mighty tome for the ages: Why do Men Have Nipples.

True, this book never broaches life’s biggest questions, but it does explain why you begin to grow hair on your ears as you get older, why your breath smells like ass each morning, and what would happen if you actually stuck someone in the heart with a needle, as depicted in Quentin Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction.

The sub-title to this book explains everything. It reads: “Hundreds of questions you’d only ask a doctor after your third martini.”

Indeed.

Goldberg knows all about this as he is, in fact, a practicing ER doctor. Mark Leyner is the author of bizarre and great books, such as My Cousin, My Gastroenterologist, Tooth Imprints on a Corn Dog, and I Smell Esther Williams.

The two first teamed up while working on a ER-style television show. Once the program hit the skids, they hit upon the brilliant idea of writing a book that answers, once and for all, all the inane yet intriguing questions doctors get asked at cocktail parties. Reading the book, you’ll be amazed by the number of times you think, “Hey, I always wondered about that.” In fact, you’ll say something like that to yourself so many times, you’ll probably begin to feel a bit dense and predictable. Fortunately, the often witty answers (which are largely rooted in scientific fact) will help distract you from the fact that, yes, we are all sadly predictable monkeys…with less fur, and more mortgages.

Why do men have morning erections? What, precisely, is scientifically at the root of the dread, Slurpee-induced “brain freeze”? Will urinating on a jellyfish sting really stop the pain? Why do menstruating women crave chocolate and what is it about asparagus that makes your pee smell funky (or at least, funkier than usual)? These are just a few of the thought-provoking subjects covered.

An example? You want more of an example? Okay. Here’s an excerpt from the book:

BIG HANDS, BIG ____?
When I was in Spain, I learned that the Spaniards believed that the distance measured from either side of your nose across the tip to the other side hinted at your penis size. As the owner of a rather large schnoz, I, Billy, was happy about this. But, by this same measurement, Geppetto must have had quite a task making pants to hold Pinocchio, and Cyrano de Bergerac wouldn’t have had to waste so much time writing love letters for others. Unfortunately, none of this is true.

As for other size issues, a small penis expands more than a big one during erection. And since a woman’s sexually sensitive parts are in and around the outer third of the vagina, a big penis is not necessarily needed to satisfy her. Size doesn’t really matter, ladies..

Well, there you have it. Just one example of the hundred-plus, mysteries that you’ll find answered in this small, intriguing tome.

Naturally, the easily offended should avoid the book altogether as should elderly aunts who seek to buy their inquisitive 9-year old nephews something thought-provoking for Christmas. If you fall somewhere else on that grand continuum of life, you’ll probably find this book worth the required 12-odd bucks.