Gear: Magic Eight Ball

VITALS Price: $10 Contact: Any novelty store near you

The future. Destiny. Fate. Deep down, most of us would like to be able to predict if we'll win the lottery, get lucky tonight or rear-end Mike Tyson at a stoplight. Unfortunately, looking for answers from a Magic Eight Ball will tell you jack-shit.

Well, maybe it will tell you that you're a fool for spending money on it in the first place.

Ask the Magic Eight Ball a question, for example: "If a person is charophobic, does that mean they are afraid of anything burnt or charred, or does it mean they are afraid of Charo?" Shake the Magic Eight Ball, just like you're supposed to, and it will give an answer more confusing than the lyrics to a Beck album.

One worthy quality of the Magic Eight Ball is its easily manageable weight. At just half-a-pound, it's heavy enough to gain destructive velocity when thrown against an office wall or at an annoying coworker.

What does this have to do with bikes, you might ask? Well, if you ever find a bike that performs as poorly as a Magic Eight Ball, heaven help you. God knows this lump of worthless plastic couldn't give you useful advice on your next course of action. It is true that even the best and brightest sometime lack purchasing savvy -- after all, Milli Vanilli albums sold pretty well back in the day.

If you bought a Magic Eight Ball as some delusional, spur-of-the-moment purchase, you're best bet is to chop it up and choose your own answer. Log on to www.fiendation.com and find "Secrets of the Magic Eight Ball Revealed" for instructions on how to dissect your Magic Eight Ball. It's the most entertainment and enlightenment this product will provide. -- Some Jack Ass