One Tough Little Bastard

WHAT: Kryptonite NY Fahgettaboudit U-Lock WHERE: www.kryptonite.com HOW MUCH: $89.95

The university police left a ticket on my bike four months ago. Apparently I would no longer be permitted to park and lock my bike outside my office—it would clutter the look of the administration building and would result in a $75 fine per offense. Bummer. Big bummer. I work at a university that has, and several studies have proven this, the highest white Rastafarian population (per capita) of any institution of higher education.

Now, I’m sure I’ll offend someone out there from the European American Protection League, but let me just go on the record as being highly distrustful of your garden-variety white rasta. Why? What would make me loathe such a fun-loving, free-spirited bunch? Oh, let’s see…they’re always asking me for spare change (while seated in the driver’s seat of a $40,000 SUV); they play Bob Marley’s Legend CD incessantly (seemingly unaware of the fact that there is a larger catalog of reggae music available in the free world); they boil down a religion to the simple act of smoking pot; they (frequently, but certainly not in all cases…I am trying to be fair here) stink to high heaven; oh, and I just don’t trust well-heeled white kids who pretend to be poor and earthy for 3 to 4 years…right before they cut their dreads and take jobs at Lockheed.

Anyway, with the highest white rasta count in the nation, I really didn’t feel like stranding the magazine’s current $3,000 test bike in my campus’ official bike racks—an orgy of battered Free Spirits and Huffys that sits a good mile from my office…far from my observant eyes and within easy grasp of every white rasta seeking to supplement their trust fund with a stolen bike or two.

Then I found kryptonite’s New York Fahgettaboudit U-Lock. Billed as Kryptonite’s burliest U-Lock to date, the New York Fahgettaboudit U-Lock possesses the largest diameter shackle of any mini u-lock on the planet, at a burly 18 millimeters of through-hardened Kryptonium steel. Bolt cutters and pry bars wince at the mere sight of it. Personally, I find it ups my testosterone level as much as several back-to-back episodes of Bonanza, but, hey, that’s just me.

While the shackle is strong and intimidating, the real jaw-dropper is the crossbar, which is outrageously oversized. Just how thick is it? Well, by the universal Beer Bottle Standard of Measurement, it is just slightly smaller in diameter than your typical bottle of Deschutes Black Butte Porter.

Just a hair smaller than a bottle of beer...that's one massive cross-bar.

In addition to being bolshy and beer-bottleish, the crossbar also houses a high-security, disc-style cylinder lock, a double deadbolt locking mechanism (making the lock very difficult to pick), an additional hardened steel sleeve (the “crossbar over crossbar” construction” makes the thing nearly indestructible) and a center keyway, which defends against the leverage attacks which can sometimes destroy locks that are located near the ends of a cross bar.

So, in a nutshell, this is one tough, little bastard of a lock. Kryptonite even backs up the lock with a $4,500 Anti-Theft Protection Offer (in the U.S. and Canada).

I’ve been using this lock for about 3 months now and am impressed. Paired with a good, thick cable (for your wheels), it’s a damn near theft proof combo. There’s 3.25 X 6-inches of wiggle room in that shackle—which (depending on the bike) often allows me to lock the seat tube and rear wheel to something stout. I rely on a cable for the front wheel. Yes, the lock could be larger, but then it would also be an absolute bear to carry.

As it sits, this little lock tips the scales at just under five pounds. That’s a serious load. Hence, while the lock is small enough to fit in the pocket of most of my riding pants (I’m talking about my RaceFace and Roach freeride style pants), putting the lock in your pocket results in some seriously lop-sided pedal strokes. It’s like riding your bike with a fat man riding on your hip. These days, I just stick the lock in my hydration pack. Given it’s small size, I’ve even fit the thing in the tiniest of packs (like a CamelBak Rocket).

Aside from the weight, there aren’t many downsides here and, let’s be honest, if you’re seeking bullet-proof theft protection, then you’re going to get tank-like weight in the bargain. I imagine paying $90 for a lock seems outrageous to some folks, but it’s a pittance next to replacing any bike that is worth locking up in the first place. In short, I highly recommend it.