Vaseline and Old Man Winter

I’m staring at the thermometer outside my kitchen window. There is ice and snow and some brownish leaf matter frozen on its face and I can only read the Celsius side. It says –6. I learn from Google this means 21 degrees Fahrenheit. Jesus. For most of the world, December is a grey month. Home again in New England, it’s no different. My car tires freeze to the driveway overnight. My cat has ice on his face. Wherever you live, you probably know this is not riding weather.

But before you pack your shit and move to Rio de Janeiro (where it is perennially beach weather), consider that they have a mediocre public transit system, considerable crime, and their beaches are largely topless. Now, back to where we live.

It is indeed possible to keep riding with snow on the ground and doldrums in the air. In fact, it’s a hell of a lot of fun—if you’re prepared. So here are some things to keep you on two wheels while somewhere, a very modern Santa is trying in vain to pack thousands of unwieldy fluid trainers into his sled.

Vaseline has a second use. Putting Vaseline on exposed skin can not only keep you warmer, but reduce wind burn and make you look cool, like a glazed donut. Try it on areas that don’t cover up well: neck, wrists, and ankles. Also steal some lip balm from the next purse you see. You’ll be glad you did.

Doo rags are not just for Fifty Cent. All those gaping vents in your fancy helmet work great in the summer, but in the winter they become a serious liability to the comfort of your dome. Throw on a doo-rag or a thin cap before donning the helmet, and be spared the anguish of having your hair freeze to the inside of your lid. Under Armour makes several applicable products: underarmour.com.

Spandex is, after peanut butter, man’s most versatile invention. I know that lycra, spandex and all things nipple-revealing have not caught on in most of the mountain bike world. That said, you don’t have to ditch your old gear to make use of the stuff. Layer it under your baggies or what have you, and you’ll be one jolly rider. Sorry if that last part sounded sexual.

Mud tires are dope. Yes, I did use the word dope. And it’s well deserved, because what most tire companies don’t tell you is that big fat mud tires retain their utility in winter. Mud and snow are, after all, both semi-edible substances that are best traversed with big paddle-like knobs and low tire pressure. Luckily, the middle of winter is also closeout time at almost any bike shop (with the exception of those in the aforesaid Rio) so you can pick up a pair cheap. Nokian also makes a pair with metal studs in them for about $50 each, if you’re that badass (http://www.suomityres.fi/bike/winter/index.html). Yellow lenses find their niche. Personally I’ve always thought riding with yellow-tinted sunglasses looks downright retarded, but in a white landscape, they can do a lot to cut glare and make an obscure landscape look a little sharper. Polarized lenses help even more. Look at Smith for a good selection: smithsport.com.

Fleece and the term “limited utility.” Fleece keeps you warm standing still, but when you’re rolling (or sliding sideways with little control) down a cold mountainside, the wind cuts right through it. If you’re fortunate enough to have Gore WindStopper fleece (windstopper.com), then you’re fine. If not, avoid using it as an outer layer, especially for gloves.

Gloves and thick socks, you idiot. I tried riding last week in 30-something degree weather with my usual long-fingered gloves and regular cycling socks. The result was a ride spent with one hand down my pants on almost every flat section, and near misery after crossing an ankle-deep stream. Get real gloves, or if you’re really cheap, wear surgical gloves as a liner to cut wind. And wool or any poly-based sock will make a difference (try Thorlo’s for athletic cuts that won’t make your shoes too tight: thorlos.com).

Vests are not just jackets that mysteriously lack arms. In fact, vests provide a lot of range of movement that you can’t get with your regular winter gear. Fleece ones (like the WindStopper) are usually enough when added over one or two spandex tops to keep your warm for the duration of your ride.

Fenders are still cool. The mountain biking fashion jet set has long since discarded fenders, but they are crucial if your ride is going to involve snow’s sloppy cousin, slush. Thankfully you can find them for cheap now that they’re out of vogue. Visit the fender’s genesis at the-products.com.

Lube it. Wet lube for wet weather will keep the damage to your drivetrain minimal. Just remember not to re-lube until your bike has dried out, lest you run the risk of trapping water in your componentry and encouraging rust. Lube anything that runs the risk of freezing (pivots if necessary) and avoid water crossings if possible; excessive water can freeze disc calipers and other crucial bits.

Get a light. It gets dark early, and if you get stuck somewhere, you’ll at least want to visually select the spot where you’re going to lay down and submit to frostbite. On second thought, bring some matches and a cell phone too.

Stay on the trail. Of course, none of us abiding IMBA members would dare venture off on a bushwhacking excursion. But when the ground is blanketed in snow, it may seem tempting to romp all over the place with your massive new tires. I’ve personally run into a handful of ancient barbed wire fences this way, but who knows what else is lurking under that innocuous white stuff. Could be bears.

A lot of this knowledge may seem obvious, but most of the solutions above address at least one boneheaded mistake we’ve all made in eagerly embarking on a winter ride. So take heed and have a good winter ride, and remember, you only have one week to destroy your old parts before asking for new stuff for the holidays.