Columns: Ozzfest Report

"...and I know that, even six or seven years later, the endless array ofrandom freeride photos in Bike is fresh and informative..."-ZapataEspinoza

"Freeride Forever"-main cover-line on the July issue of MountainBike magazine, accompanying an out-of-focus shot of Dave Watson-youguessed it-freeriding

"I get up, take a shot of my asthma inhaler, take a few hits off a jointand I feel good."-Ozzfest attendee in the parking lot, parked, yep,next to me

"He doesn't have a dick, he has a p-sy, and that's worth five or sixpounds right there."-Dave House, publisher of Mountain Bikingmagazine, commenting on another magazine guy's weight

"He was pissed-he wouldn't say a word."-Bike's editor-at-large,Vernon Felton, commenting on the behavior of the industry's favoritefreeriding executive editor as they shared a limo on the way from theCannondale Homecoming to the airport

"Why smoke and die when you can toke and fly?"-Brett Tippie

Your OzzFest Report. . .

The last four years have been spent in a mountain bliss, devoid of thesights, sounds, stinks and congestion of the big city.

Before I ended up at Bike, I served a six-year sentence at another bikemagazine. I would come into the outskirts of the metropolis, do my dutyand retreat home. One year ago, I signed on with Bike to run this herelittle online 'zine. The deal was, I would travel three hours south oncea week, make a appearance, kiss babies and shake hands. A few monthsago, that changed in a big way. No longer was the web my sole domain-Imoved to the print magazine full-time. That meant full-time in-houseduties. So much for the original plan, eh? Now my week is spent in theoffice writing magazines, sleeping in my pen and taking cold showersbehind the building.

The last few months have been a flurry of activity. Between trying tomove out of the mountain estate and back to lovely (and highlypopulated) Orange Country, California, after a near-seven year absence,traveling to exotic locations like Colorado, France and San Bernardino,and trying to maintain some sort of fitness that resembles "race ready,"I've been speeding everywhere, every minute. What better way to clearthe mind than a drunken day at OzzFest?

Too bad my buddy John can't say the same. Seems he let the shots andbeer get the better of him. Right after we went in the venue, he lost usand spent a majority of the show lying in the dirt next to the lawnarea. I finally found him in line for the restroom just before BlackSabbath took the stage. At least he never yacked.

Since I'm not really into the whole rap/metal thing, I walked aroundduring Crazy Town and Linkin Park. By the time Papa Roach took thestage, I found my way back to the lawn and hung out on the outskirts ofthe pit, watching the chaos. My wife, being the good little healtheducator she is, helped a drunk and passed-out Marine get back on hisfeet. His buddy thought she was a sort of speed-metal version ofFlorence Nightingale. The real action started when masked and blackjumpsuit-clad Slipknot took the stage. Shit started to get FU'd. Knotopened with a new tune called "People=Shit" off their forthcomingIdaho CD and, along with a host of material off their first CD,played another new one called "The Heretic Song." While Slipknot wasgreat, Marilyn Manson was indeed the shit. The last time Manson playedOzzFest, he was less well received, but this time around the crowd wasready and he didn't disappoint. Pulling a set list almost entirely fromAntichrist Superstar and Holywood, Manson spent littletime philosophizing and a lotta time raging with the hardest songs inthe catalogue. In fact, he chatted up the crowed only three times theentire set, and they were brief. Not since the Antichrist dayshas Manson been this angry-and it was good! Amazingly, the time betweensets was cut to 15 or so minutes, and things moved swiftly. When thelights went down for Black Sabbath, the crowd went apeshit, chanting,"Ozzy! Ozzy! Ozzy!" Nearly all pit action stopped and most could onlystare in wonderment as the original Sabbath took the stage, completewith a huge burning cross in the background. Sounding as strong andtight as ever, the band never struggled. It simply plowed throughclassics as well as a new cut called "Scary Dream" from the upcoming CD.If any other band expected to steal the show, they were sourlydisappointed by the end of Sabbath's set. After the show, John and Icouldn't find the car for about 45 minutes (the wife had already goneback to crash out). By the time we got home, after driving nearly threehours (mostly across the desert floor), it was 3 a.m. Maybe big-citydwelling near stuff won't be so bad...

So why do I mention OzzFest here? Did you know that there are vendersand various other freaks who travel the circuit, setting up shop at eachstop to sell their wares? Bet it must cost a lot to be present at asummer festival full of sold-out shows, with 30,000 to 60,000 people ateach stop. Guess again, my friends. It costs less for vendors, gamersand any other attraction to set up at OzzFest than it does for a bikecompany to set up at any of the NORBA National events. No wonder thereis such a fallout. It isn't racing that's the problem; it's promoterswho overcharge racers and companies while NORBA turns a blind eye to theproblem. As one reader wrote me, "Why should I join NORBA? I get nothingin return out of it." Oh, but you do. Paying NORBA $45 a year gives youthe privilege of paying $50 to enter a race. See you on the start lineat Mammoth-now I'm going to the bank to get a "start-line loan." Hopethat doesn't affect my escrow.

HAPPY FOURTH AND DON'T BLOW UP!!!